Its mid-way through my placement, and i am super happy about it, i really look forward to end august where it finally ends.

I've been feeling rather miserable lately, placement had dug out a lot of other issues within me and had set me wondering if i really should be a direct social worker. I guess the placement is working it's magic on me, i have issues trying to dig out my client's problem because i don't want people digging my problems as well.

It has a strange effect, my supervisor commended that i did not probe deep enough about an issue, yes, i didn't want to. So should i do direct work in the future? I have no idea, maybe until the time when i can resolve my own probing issues. If i can't even help myself, how can i be able to help others?

There's improvement definitely, previously, i will not have shared much of my life with others, now, i am ready to face my past and to talk about it, i am not so ashame of it anymore. But still, i can't totally bring myself to ask others about their past, because i have not live out of the stage to believe others can be like me, to be ready to talk about what had happened.

Don't be mistaken that i am going to quit what i am doing. I won't! In fact, i want to finish it soon, go on to Honours and even Masters Level. I still like what i do, i still like Social Work. I mean, i think a lot of my classmates when they talk SWK, they will want to do direct work. But i think, luckily, there's more to social work then direct work! There's indirect work, policies, research and academic! I guess i may put my energy in these areas first before i decide what to do.

My recent result in Research was a big encouragement, guess it's tellin me i can be a good research person! And placement tells me i may not be as good a direct worker.

Am i trying to find excuses? I hope not. But i remember what my tutor, Kumar, said about effecting change. That to effectively affect chnage, we must do it at the macro level, the policy level! It's quite true isn't it? Direct work deals with an individual client and its "治标不治本". While a good policy does effect change, like for example, the increase in foreign worker levy will in turn create jobs for the local population, which is what we need.

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On another note, my grandpa was admitted to hospital again, after being home for less then 2days from hospital. I was quite surprise and found it strangely funny that we had checked out and was re-admitted to the same ward (luckliy not the same bed).

He looked as healthy as i have saw him a few days ago, old people, man, really have to watch it at his age. Oh, he's 87.

Well, the thing that strikes me was not his staying in hospital, but how he always tears when he sees me... I mean, i didn't do anything to him, i am the only filial enough grandson to visit him in hospital more often, because i really want to see more of him before i finally have no chance to do so. He is my only grandparent left.

I don't want to write bad about them, seeing the tears... i really can't understand why the relationship could turned out so bad. "父子哪有隔夜愁" I mean, he is after all your father.

Look, that son (my uncle) had build up such a strong barrier that he chided me for looking for his childrens (my cousins) to please visit grandpa. And i am not happy about it. >.<

I guess there are a lot of things that i do not know, and there are a lot of things beyond my control, maybe i shouldn't get so emotionally involved, it is after all, not a problem from my generation.