I just came back from a dinner event with Alvin (not me lah, another PO with the same name as i). It's this Racial Harmony thing called "Inter-Racial, Inter-Religious Harmony Day"! It was a last minute call by Alvin! Feeling that i owe him, i had to help him out!

Well, the dinner was ok... Provided by some "Grand something vegetarian restaurant". And Nancy (my deputy director) was there too~~

What made the trip worth it was not my DD, and certainly not the dinner! It's the inspiring way Alvin handled the kids! Well, there were there to complete their CSO hours and Alvin was their CSO officer.

Such inspiration i see in him. He has this uncanny ability to click with the kids, yet gain their respect! Something that i have yet to achieve... And his undying belief in each and everyone of them to be good! Prior to today, being my work in PSB, my beliefs that all probationers can change was slowly diminishing as i get in touch with more breaches, more scoldings by the POs and all the negative aspect of the job i encounter so far! But no, today was different, Alvin believed that everyone is there to make a difference, to do something and Alvin believed in the boys to perform in their tasks!

He went down to their level and talked to them about tatoos, study and LAN games, speak to them like an adult on careers, responsibilities and teamwork while imparting them with knowledge on racial harmony and vegetarian food! He made them believe that not only was he there to do his job, he was there to learn something from everyone there and that everyone will have something to contribute to his knowledge!

Such passion and inspiration, i have not seen for such a long time in any POs. I really admire the way he can do things! He did processed with some boys on their behavior and got some of the boys quite "bay song" at first. But at the end of the day, he got all their respect and all the things done!

Not only were the boys able to listen to him, they were able to talk to him.

He is an inspiration!

Why can't i feel any happiness?

Was i happy before? Was i ever happy?

How can i ever be happy?

People have been telling me that only i can make myself happy, but i can't. I don't feel happiness anywhere i go, in anything that i do.

I want to be happy, but my heart refuse to let me feel the joys.

Life Sucks.

I want to go live in a faraway land and never come back.

3 more weeks! 3!! Yes, 3 more weeks and it'l will the end of my long long journey with PSB!! Oh... I can't wait! I have really learned a lot for the past 2months, you know, not just the technical skills about my future career, but also, a lot about myself, many a things that i never knew, knew but not put to test and others knew but never told me.

I think the 1 most important thing i learned in my journey is how to work with the people around me. Different people have different expectations. It is how important to know what role each play and what they want out of it, not just with peers, but with superiors as well.

Now armed with even more self-awareness, i hope i will be able to take some quiet time off by myself to do some quiet reflections. On myself, on the path that i shall take and on how to move on.

I wonder about my ability in becoming a PO in the future. It's starting to become not a job that i look forward to in the future. No doubt, the pay is good, that's like the only perk. ok, there's a second perk, you have reaeeellly nice colleagues, but that will depend if they're still there after i graduate in a year!

I think it all boils down to what you want as a job. PO has unhumanly long working hours, tight deadlines, many portfolio, no life, and often boiled up with the clients we deal with.

On the bright side, all POs shared the same tiredness and push each other on, on occasions, you do get really nice kids that makes your job seemed worth it.

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I've being hard on myself, knowing so well that i could not have achieve so many things in such a short period of time, yet i somehow promised that i will and want do more. Sending the wrong message is no joke, coz my supervisor thinks that i could achieve more but i didn't. Aka, i am lazy and i don't care. No! i am not lazy and dosen't care! I can't live up to your expectations anymore!

I think maybe i shouldn't be too hard on myself, others have expectation, it's theirs, i know my own abilities and how much i can achieve, i am a slow learner.

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On another note, yesterday was Shuli's last day at work, so me, Sheryl and Sabrina walked 1km to the nearest florist to get her flowers for her farewell! I didn't know wrapping flowers can be so expensive! The flowers, a whole bunch of champange roses only costs like $7.90! But the goddamn wrapping costs $25! I think i should consider becoming a florist, to hell with SWK! No lah, its very beautifully wrapped, and its shared between 7 of us, so it's not too bad. It's the thoughts that counts anyway! Shuli's face was filled with joy when she sees the flowers!

Oh, if anyone is interested to get flowers at relatively cheaper rates, i recommend the florists along Thomson Road, there are a couple of them, and could be because of competition and its wholesale. The one we went to was "Jimei".

Although the wrapping is expensive, it's nicer than what you get at shopping centers florist! The roses we bought were wrapped not in plastics wrappings, but fresh leaves, and it makes it all so natural and beautiful!

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她看了我的entry（多谢Mr Tan帮我传达此讯。。。）

We had a talk. 我们依然是好朋友。这是我对她许下的承诺。

缓和需要时间，破了的镜子，坚信能够再次为另一个她照出最美丽的一面。

佳琪是个非常优秀，体贴，会聆听与开导的女孩子， 我不会轻易的放弃一个这么要好的朋友（间利用工具=p)， 一个唯一能然我尚开心方的女孩。

最近在网上youtube找到了寻找了数年的一个MV, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPcZGffSLCc， 是个韩国歌手"Kiss"所演唱的 "Because i'm a woman", 剧情感人，是述说一对相爱的情侣, 在一场意外中， 女孩失明了，男孩不顾一切，把他的眼睛捐献了给她，手术非常成功，女孩恢复视力，但男孩因此也失明了，并且默默的离开了她。 女孩后来得知她的复原是因为“前男友”，在他们常去的赛车场， 女孩看到了失明的男友，不紧感动得哭了。 原来爱情可以那么伟大。。。

已和前女友分手大概有四个月了吧，可我好似还在舒缓自己的心情，也不敢轻易的再切入一段感情。 走到当时，且知分手是必然的，大家心里准备都做得十足，分手后也没想像中那么辛苦，依然是好朋友。 最近读了她在网上写的散文， 可能是她的心情写照， 可也让我得知我们都有着所谓“失恋后遗症”， 也看出了在我之外， 她还有着一个遗憾，一个我再怎么努力也尼捕不了的空档，她的“旋转木马”。

真讨厌自己那么自我的心态，我竟然对她遗憾的那“旋木”感到不爽。

现今，旁人，朋友，甚至电影里的感人情节都还能感动到我， 可自己的心灵却已紧紧的闭上了， 对爱情失去了信心，更加对自己少了那份追求己爱的自信与勇敢。

破碎了的玻璃碎片还能够拼成一面完美的镜子吗？

欣欣, 棉 and 阿舔 was born on 10 January 2006 in my home. Although i don't regconise the babies from the picture, this is the photo of my 3 心肝宝贝 with their mother. They are very dear to me, they were born and grew up in my house...

棉 passed away when i went to work this morning, she was only 6-months old... She was still so healthy when i washed her cage on sunday... Why? Why? =( she left without me seeing her for the last time... That's not fair! Thank god she had her mother and sister with her at the last moment of her life.

She will go to heaven, for she is such a babe, always fondling for attention...

I miss you babe...

Its mid-way through my placement, and i am super happy about it, i really look forward to end august where it finally ends.

I've been feeling rather miserable lately, placement had dug out a lot of other issues within me and had set me wondering if i really should be a direct social worker. I guess the placement is working it's magic on me, i have issues trying to dig out my client's problem because i don't want people digging my problems as well.

It has a strange effect, my supervisor commended that i did not probe deep enough about an issue, yes, i didn't want to. So should i do direct work in the future? I have no idea, maybe until the time when i can resolve my own probing issues. If i can't even help myself, how can i be able to help others?

There's improvement definitely, previously, i will not have shared much of my life with others, now, i am ready to face my past and to talk about it, i am not so ashame of it anymore. But still, i can't totally bring myself to ask others about their past, because i have not live out of the stage to believe others can be like me, to be ready to talk about what had happened.

Don't be mistaken that i am going to quit what i am doing. I won't! In fact, i want to finish it soon, go on to Honours and even Masters Level. I still like what i do, i still like Social Work. I mean, i think a lot of my classmates when they talk SWK, they will want to do direct work. But i think, luckily, there's more to social work then direct work! There's indirect work, policies, research and academic! I guess i may put my energy in these areas first before i decide what to do.

My recent result in Research was a big encouragement, guess it's tellin me i can be a good research person! And placement tells me i may not be as good a direct worker.

Am i trying to find excuses? I hope not. But i remember what my tutor, Kumar, said about effecting change. That to effectively affect chnage, we must do it at the macro level, the policy level! It's quite true isn't it? Direct work deals with an individual client and its "治标不治本". While a good policy does effect change, like for example, the increase in foreign worker levy will in turn create jobs for the local population, which is what we need.

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On another note, my grandpa was admitted to hospital again, after being home for less then 2days from hospital. I was quite surprise and found it strangely funny that we had checked out and was re-admitted to the same ward (luckliy not the same bed).

He looked as healthy as i have saw him a few days ago, old people, man, really have to watch it at his age. Oh, he's 87.

Well, the thing that strikes me was not his staying in hospital, but how he always tears when he sees me... I mean, i didn't do anything to him, i am the only filial enough grandson to visit him in hospital more often, because i really want to see more of him before i finally have no chance to do so. He is my only grandparent left.

I don't want to write bad about them, seeing the tears... i really can't understand why the relationship could turned out so bad. "父子哪有隔夜愁" I mean, he is after all your father.

Look, that son (my uncle) had build up such a strong barrier that he chided me for looking for his childrens (my cousins) to please visit grandpa. And i am not happy about it. >.<

I guess there are a lot of things that i do not know, and there are a lot of things beyond my control, maybe i shouldn't get so emotionally involved, it is after all, not a problem from my generation.

Vincent had already arrived in the US before i realised it... And i did not even bid him a proper farewell. I'm sorry bro! You can kick my ass when you come back. I can't believe it, all my life, no one had ever left me to go abroad for such a long time, he's the first. Congrates Vincent, for being the first in my life to desert me and go blow the western wind.

Now, i will have to go through a period of grief and lost, indulging in pure work, thus forgetting that i now have someone missing in my life.

Wait a minute, this is so gay! (**Puke**)

Nevertheless, let me wish this so-great buddy of 10years of mine a great journey ahead, study and work hard, but not forgetting to truly enjoy yourselves in a land far unknown to you before this! Oh and not forgetting the western chicks too~~ (Will keep it from Yili, promise. =X )

So long brother~~ And take great care~!

Its pretty shiok to lay on my bed and blog! Yupz, i'm blogging on my laptop now! And guess what, i don't have wireless LAN at home, so i am tapping on other people's wireless to surf net! And thats so fun! Heehee, i'm evil too~~ If only there are more kind souls like this person around, heehee, the worl will be so much nicer! No need the world lah, my neighbourhood will be so much nicer =D

Its being a month since i started my placement, so far so good! I like my work at MCYS! And i am getting stressed by my supervisor! No wait, i want to make it a point not to blog about my work here, coz this is a personal space! And my work should be pretty much confidential anyway~~

Had a sharing session with my SWKmates on friday! Its fun! At the beginning of the session, Peiyi ask us to give our thoughts on why we are here, guess what John said! "To meet up" Hahaha... Its so funny, so he just came by to meet everyone! His motive was met almost immediately! Its nice to see everyone after a while ;)

Watched silent hill! Its a good show leh, at least it kept me rooted throughout! Happy! =)

Then went for supper with Ray (Sorry Daryn never jio u, coz too last min le!) This guy have a lot of idea sia, what borrow $$ from loan shark before migrate, then loan shark cannot find you, coz migrated... Wah lao! Win loh! Its pretty funny what some of the ideas he can come up with! Kudos to you Ray! Bring them on again on the next supper ba! Heh!

Today pretty much nothing happen... stayed at home and... work!! SO far for sunday, should be the same. Then Monday, its back to work!

Going to eat Dim Sum next Sat! Heehee~~